As I read the fragile and parched first pages of my father’s 1952 diary, the sands of time slowly weaved the context of its moment into my consciousness. He was writing well past midnight, having attended to his daughter, my sister. Now he paused to slow down to pen a few thoughts. He was more than two decades younger then, than I am now, and so as I studied his “youthful” writing, and pondered about the children he referred to – my elder siblings – I realized with astonishment that they were written at a time when I was yet to be born when my siblings were truly children and infants then.

This was then a reality that I was never part of, but it was greatly significant because they were a precursor to the future for which I would be, and the mentality of my parents at perhaps a pivotal point in their young family’s struggles, would determine the realization of my being.

It is helpful that the home that he speaks of and lived in – was to be my childhood home where this was written – and the flavor of the circumstances then – is not an abstract image, but far from it – as in a wisp of nostalgia smoke twirling its way from the cinders of pre-independent colonial Singapore into my recreation of his time.

One could say that the very personal struggles he recounted were totally my parents (and their contemporary companions) to bear, and the sacrifices they made, were totally devoid of my participation. It is as if the wise words of Divinity invoked by my father at the end of his entry, “God will help those who help themselves…..” defined what was then pre-destined but not pre-determined and my parents’ willingness to create the conditions in their ‘present’ to allow for me, a mere un-imaged figment of the future, yet un-realized, to be formed.

“It is two a.m. now. I wake up by my daughter (XXX), who complains that one of her legs is numb. I tell her not to worry as it will be alright after a few minutes. She is not very well this evening as she complains that she has stomach-ache and headache. She vomits twice in the evening and do not take any food except a cup of drink before she goes to bed. Now she must be very hungry so I make her a cup of Ovaltine with milk. After she had taken ¾ of the Ovaltine, she has gone to bed again.

Tomorrow will be Friday. As Mr XXX is on sick leave, I will have to take his place for another day.

My dear wife has been working very hard since my sister married. She has to work in the darkroom alone every day and I help her only after I come back from work. I always do not let her over-strain herself if needs be I always help her whenever I am free.

I will be on two-weeks leave commencing on Monday next. I should have started this week but on account of Mr XXX’s sick leave I have to postpone mine.

During the holidays I will take my family out for a holiday. In fact there is not much of a holiday for us, because we could not be away from home for more than 24 hours. Besides my office work, I have to carry on with my side-line in D/P work for a living. In the case of my dear wife, she has to look after her four children. Our eldest child is 6 years 3 months and the youngest is about 9 months. She has to go to market in the morning, helps to do darkroom work in the photographic line and at times doing odd jobs in the kitchen. Although we have a small girl and my old mother to help us, but we will never have any free time to go about for recreation, for cinema or even for a evening stroll. No one would ever believe that we have to work so hard in order to maintain our livelihood. In fact we always find that we could not make both ends meet if we do not work harder in our side-line ‘photography’.

I know God will help those who help themselves. I hope that one day, we will be able to struggle on for better prospects and for better living conditions.”

2.45 A.M.

7.8.52

(Undated entry in the next page – My father was voracious in his desire to better himself in the English language)

Special uses if some adverbs’

The adverb the = by that

The nearer the be, the sweeter the meat

Now is somewhat different. It rather seems to be an arresting or button-holing work

I am His Highness’ dog at Kew; Now, pray tell me, who are you?

Quite may be used as an Adverb of Degree, when it means to the fullest extent: –

It is quite clear that he was guilty